Airdrie, AB — A local pizza restaurant has reportedly become a key player in Alberta’s independence debate after committing the grave and unforgivable sin of allowing people to stand indoors while holding clipboards.
Paul’s Pizza, a family-owned restaurant in Airdrie best known for pizza, drinks, and a Jeep parked outside, found itself at the centre of a growing political firestorm this week after petition canvassers were permitted to collect signatures inside the restaurant — an act now widely interpreted as a binding constitutional endorsement.
“It’s unclear whether the pizza place understands the magnitude of what it’s done,” said one observer, who confirmed they had never eaten there but felt strongly nonetheless. “Once a clipboard enters a building, the building becomes political.”
According to reports, the canvassers were allowed to stand quietly inside the restaurant, speak to willing patrons, and leave without incident — a scenario experts describe as “deeply alarming” and “basically activism.”
Business Owners Shocked to Learn They Are Now Political Actors
Restaurant staff expressed confusion after learning that basic customer access had elevated them from food service workers to regional political influencers overnight.
“We thought we were just letting people inside because it was cold,” said an employee who asked not to be named, citing fear of becoming a political podcast guest. “No one mentioned we were also deciding the future of Confederation.”
Legal scholars confirm that under modern outrage law, neutrality is no longer recognized as a valid position.
“If you allow something to happen near pizza, you are endorsing it,” explained one commentator. “The presence of cheese does not absolve responsibility.”
Social Media Reacts With Calm, Measured Responses
Online reaction was swift and reasoned, with dozens of users demanding explanations, boycotts, apologies, clarifications, counter-clarifications, and in some cases, national unity. Several reviewers revised their opinions of the restaurant’s food retroactively, citing concerns that the pepperoni “now tasted political.” Others demanded to know whether the restaurant would also allow petitioners from causes they personally disagree with, a question experts say could have been resolved by remembering that private businesses can, in fact, allow people inside without issuing press releases.
Journalists Confirm This Is Definitely News
Media coverage emphasized that the restaurant had been “drawn into” the debate — a passive phrase indicating that the building itself may have been surprised by events.
“At no point did the pizza declare independence,” the article clarified, “but the situation remains fluid.”
As of press time, no reports confirmed whether the restaurant plans to install metal detectors for clipboards, ban pens, or introduce a strict “no opinions after 6 p.m.” policy.
Experts Advise Public to Remain Vigilant Around Dough
Political analysts warn that similar incidents could occur anywhere. “Today it’s a pizza place,” said one expert. “Tomorrow it’s a Tim Hortons. Then it’s your living room.”
Residents are encouraged to report any suspicious neutrality immediately. Paul’s Pizza remains open for business.
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