By Bev R. Dam — Senior Correspondent, Water Management & Wild Rumours
Edmonton — Chalkboards Down, Ideologies Up
The Alberta Teachers’ Association (ATA) has once again taken to the streets, waving signs, sipping oat-milk lattes, and chanting slogans that rhyme about as well as the last provincial curriculum draft.
They’ve refused the government’s request to return to work, declaring they “will not be intimidated.”
Observers confirmed that intimidation wasn’t exactly on the table — just a few confused parents asking who’s teaching long division this week.
The Picket Line Spectacle
Fringe News reporters (armed with notepads and travel mugs) documented the scene outside Edmonton schools:
- One protestor carried a sign reading “Stop The Maths!” — it’s unclear if that was a typo or policy proposal.
- A small group began chanting “Hey hey, ho ho, testing scores have got to go!” until someone pointed out test scores were already gone.
- A union steward confiscated a student-made “We ❤️ Our Teachers” poster for not using inclusive glitter.
- Meanwhile, a substitute teacher attempted to organize a drum circle but couldn’t agree on the beat without forming a committee.
Eyewitnesses report the protestors took a 90-minute break to “centre their intentions” — during which a passing trucker offered to teach fractions using lug-nuts.
Ideology 101: The Real Curriculum
Inside the ATA’s rhetoric is a deeper lesson plan: less multiplication, more moral instruction.
Critics say the strike is about control, not classrooms — a fight to ensure that if kids ever ask why their parents work so hard, someone’s there to remind them it’s probably capitalism’s fault.
When asked for comment, one protestor told Fringe News:
“We’re here for the children! — well, until 3 p.m. After that it’s self-care.”
Enter Berta Proud Dad
Few figures have ruffled the ATA’s feathers more than Berta Proud Dad, whose online rants about “common sense in classrooms” are reportedly discussed in ATA meetings as “a security risk to our vibe.”
Union insiders allegedly refer to him as “He-Who-Must-Not-Podcast.”
When reached for comment, Berta Proud Dad simply said:
“If telling kids to work hard and respect their parents is controversial, then I guess I’m public enemy number one.”
The Government Response
Provincial officials expressed “cautious optimism” that teachers might soon return to work, though one aide admitted, “We’re not sure how to negotiate with people who call report cards emotional violence.”
Bev’s Final Word
As Alberta’s classrooms remain empty, its coffee shops overflow with picket signs and group therapy flyers.
No one knows how long the strike will last, but one thing’s certain: if educational outcomes keep dropping, we’ll soon have protestors who can’t spell their own chants — and that, friends, is the real emergency.
Fringe News — Unfiltered. Unfunded. Unapologetic.
Reporting proudly from the edge of reason, and one oat-latte away from another teacher think-circle.
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