By Buckley Tinfoil — Editor-in-Chief, Conspiracy & Forestry Affairs
Fringe News Exclusive — Ottawa, Ontario
Fringe News has obtained top-secret minutes from a late-night Ottawa meeting involving senior members of the Liberal, NDP, and Green Party — plus one thoroughly confused Bloc delegate who thought he was attending a wine-and-cheese mixer.
According to the leaked notes, the emergency session was convened to discuss a growing “national crisis”: an uncontrolled outbreak of common sense spreading among ordinary Canadians.
“If this continues,” warned one Liberal strategist, “people might start thinking for themselves — and that’s catastrophic for policy consistency.”
The Agenda: Stopping the Spread of Rational Thought
The meeting began at 8:00 p.m. sharp in what witnesses described as a “dimly lit basement, faintly scented with kale and panic.”
Attendees wore colour-coded lanyards made from recycled virtue and immediately broke into sub-committees to determine whether the term “common sense” was inclusive enough.
The Green delegation suggested replacing it with eco-empathetic logic, but were overruled after a heated argument about whether logic had a carbon footprint.
Meanwhile, the NDP contingent demanded that all provinces receive equal representation in the decision to suppress the outbreak — except Alberta, “for obvious reasons.”
Motions Passed (Barely)
According to the official minutes, several key motions were adopted:
- Form a task force to research how common sense spreads through rural coffee shops.
- Ban critical thinking during daylight hours to reduce exposure.
- Launch a national campaign titled “Feel First, Think Later.”
- Commission a study to determine whether irony can be taxed.
The Liberals insisted the study would take 18 months and require “at least three new departments.”
Enter the Bloc Delegate
Confusion reached new heights when a lone Bloc representative wandered in mid-meeting carrying a baguette and a look of existential despair.
Sources say he immediately demanded to know why the meeting was in English and who approved the coffee brand.
After realizing he was in the wrong basement, he stayed anyway “to make sure Quebec’s absence was properly represented.”
When the group voted on whether to adjourn, the Bloc delegate abstained, citing a lack of translation for the word “adjourn.”
A Leaked Memo Reveals the Strategy
By midnight, panic set in as reports surfaced that the common-sense outbreak had reached small towns, mechanic shops, and one Tim Hortons drive-thru.
The final memo — marked “Top Secret (until leaked to CBC)” — outlined an emergency action plan:
- Step 1: Blame misinformation.
- Step 2: Announce an inquiry into who’s leaking inquiries.
- Step 3: Issue emotional statements about “standing together” while standing apart.
- Step 4: Rebrand “common sense” as “anti-progress rhetoric.”
The memo ends abruptly after the phrase “Remember to delete this email before it leaks.”
Public Reaction
Within hours of the story breaking, Canadians nationwide were spotted committing acts of unauthorized reason — comparing grocery prices, reading their own hydro bills, and even asking how carbon taxes lower the temperature.
Officials warn that those infected with common sense have begun joining the Conservative Party — a growing number of citizens whose radical platform includes balanced budgets, showing up for work, and buying their own coffee. Early reports suggest meetings involve spreadsheets, handshakes, and no hashtags — prompting national concern from every major think tank.
Experts warn this could trigger a second wave of accountability, which officials say the nation’s bureaucracy is “not emotionally prepared to handle.”
Late Note from the Field
At press time, the Bloc representative was still in the basement, attempting to pass a motion declaring poutine a federal right.
No one opposed.
Fringe News — Unfiltered. Unfunded. Unapologetic.
Reporting proudly from the edge of reason — and slightly past the recycling bins of Parliament Hill.
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